5 MORE HORROR MOVIES THEY NEVER MADE

[Can’t remember whether this was ever posted on the old version of the Leapster-site, or exactly what it was written for. Presumably I made it up for use on the RRR radio show (All Over The Shop, Thursdays, 2-4pm, with Big Stew Farrell and yours unkemptly). Anyway, it’s certainly free, if nothing else.]

From our exclusive showbiz sources at Axis International Pictures, here is all the intriguing information on 5 more potentially great horror movies they never made or released.

FRANKENSTEIN LAYS AN EGG

When Dr Frankenstein and Ygor (Siegfried and Roy) inadvertently use an abnormal chicken brain in the creature they are building, it awakes, squawks and lays an egg, which it then sits on and nurtures for most of the remainder of the picture. Unfortunately, not long before it is due to hatch, Frankenstein’s housekeeper (Meryl Streep) runs short of food for breakfast and makes it into an omelette. The omelette (Mickey Rourke) then runs wild and destroys the village.
Also featuring Ted Danson, LaToya Jackson and Isaac the Bartender from “The Love Boat”.

TASTE THE SOUFFLE OF DRACULA

The evil Count Dracula (Rob Schneider) enrols in a gourmet cooking course and forces Transylvanians to sample his latest culinary creations. With David Bowie as his nemesis, the crusty cooking teacher, Nigel Van Helsing, and once again introducing Madonna, as the dancing pepper shaker in a harrowing dream sequence. Also starring Tom Bosley and Angela Lansbury.


CURSE OF THE ZOMBIE FISHMONGERS

In one of the few movies of the zombie craze of recent years which was abandoned prior to production rather than abandoned in the cinemas, Zombie Fishmongers complain about rising early, and argue over the price of flathead and snapper. With Dan Aykroyd, Ben Stiller, and David Spade as the zombie fishmongers, and Oprah Winfrey as the fishwife. And introducing Bamu, the trained trevally.

GODZILLA VS RUSSELL BRAND

Godzilla, played by Bobcat Goldthwaite, destroys Russell Brand in extended graphic colour. The fight is pretty short, so the film is pretty short. With Cathy Moriarty as Tokyo.


THE STRANGE DREAMS OF KNACKERS McTAFFERTY

David Lynch returns to confuse and irritate moviegoers with this four hour extravaganza of abattoir accountant Knackers McTafferty (James Spader) and his strange dreams. Cleverly Lynch never shows us the dreams – we just see McTafferty tossing and turning for four hours. Instead the dreams are acted out by way of symbolic Hawaiian dance performed by the cast of the TV chat show programme “The View”, with a narration by Mal Walden. To avoid liquidation proceedings, the studio promised to bury the movie in a steel vault under 38 feet of concrete, after holding the only preview screening at a place no-one would possibly see it – Skoda Stadium during a Greater Western Sydney match.

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