Student Prince, Meet Tractor Boy – And Let the Champagne and Ointment Be Unconfined!

Something Old, Something New, Something Bothered, Slightly Blue

(Howdy, effendi. This piece on sporting team nicknames was suggested by folks at the newspaper I write weekly columns for, and completed, but for whatever reason, was never published. I stumbled across it in the Australian BBQ high season (technically between Xmas and New Years, but also essentially running through some of December and large portions of January until works inconveniently intervenes) in 2012 while frankly trawling around the archival section of my electrophonic computer device, looking for old stuff to post up here. So here she blows. It actually still seems funny to me, so I’m kind of glad it finally gets to see the light of day. It was apparently written, and re-written, several times on 13th June 2007.)

WORST SPORTING TEAM NICKNAMES

(Note – Examples given without team-names are either familiar/common enough to be called generic, or belong to US college teams.)

DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS

Don your elongated Dr Who scarf and floor-length cape, strap on your cardboard sword, and sally forth into battle.

Dragons, Wizards, Magic, Knights, Kings, Mystics (Washington WNBA), Buccaneers, Gorloks, Magicians, The Pirate Ship (Greek national soccer team), Phoenix, Titans, Trolls, Vulcans.

Franchise Winner – Major League Soccer’s Kansas City Wizards were originally known as “The Wiz”, apparently having seen no difficulty in being named after a legendarily awful Diana Ross/Michael Jackson movie and a slang term for urination.

AUDITIONING FOR THE VILLAGE PEOPLE

Columbus Crew (Major League Soccer), Cowboys, Indians, Admirals, Pirates, Cavaliers, Flames, Golden Flashes, Cotton Blossoms, Purple Pride, Violets, Student Princes, Wonder Boys, Tractor Boys (Ipswich – English soccer).

Franchise Winner – Saskatchewan Rough Riders (Canadian Football League). Two words – “Brokeback Mountain”.

UTILITIES, WEATHER AND THE SCIENCES

Warning: May result in sleepiness, telescope headache and static cling.

Lightning, Storm, Thunder, Force, Fire, Shock (Detroit, WNBA), Power, Sun, Sky, Westerwinds, Volts (Otago, NZ provincial cricket), Galaxy, Cosmos, Cyclone, etc

Franchise Winner – Golden Tornadoes. As if an ordinary tornado wasn’t bad enough.

STORMING INTO BATTLE

How could you NOT be inspired by fiery totems such as these?

Senators, Diplomats, Anchormen, Clippers, Lutes, Super Bees, Moundbuilders, Hatters (Stockport County – English soccer), Toffees (Everton – EPL)

FRANCHISE WINNER – Bryant and Stratton College – Cleveland Campus “Lemmings”. Well, you know what those things are famous for.


ALL THE GOOD ONES WERE TAKEN

(Mighty) Ducks, Indiana Fever (WNBA), Montreal Alouettes (Canadian Football League), Black Flies, Blue Hose, Green Terror, Hustlin’ Owls, Hustlin’ Quakers, Squirrels, Thunderwolves, the Billy Goats (FC Koln, German soccer), “The Meat” (Spartak Moscow – soccer).

FRANCHISE WINNER – Indiana Fever (WNBA) – who else is named after a symptom?

WHO THE HELL KNOWS?

Catamounts, Chanticleers, Yeowomen, Praying Colonels, Aggies, Sea Aggies, Hunter Jaegers (Australian netball), Rabbitohs (NRL), St Louis University Billikens, The Old Lady (Juventus, Italian soccer)

FRANCHISE WINNERS – College outfits the California State University–Long Beach “Dirtbags”, and the Southern Nazarene University “Crimson Storm”. Go you Dirtbags. “Crimson Storm” sounds like a Wacky Races character.

WORST TEAM NAMES – MISCELLANEOUS

Red Bull New York – Major League Soccer franchise named after a soft drink.

Minnesota Wild – NHL franchise, forgot to finish their name

Dallas Sidekicks – Continental Indoor Soccer League. The type of name that does seem to put a limit on hope and ambition.

Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University “Gobblers” – I’m trying to see any upside to this on any level of interpretation, and failing comprehensively.

Villarreal (Spanish Soccer) – “The Yellow Submarine”. You’re jerking my chain.

Perth Glory (A-League) – Like morning glory, only two hours later.

Utah Jazz – They don’t have jazz in Utah; just Mormons, a choir and Marie Osmond.

Major League Soccer’s “Real Salt Lake”. They don’t have Real Madrid in Utah either.


WORST SPORTING TEAM NICKNAME IN EARTHLY HISTORY

The University of California–Santa Cruz “Banana Slugs”. Tends to leave a bad taste in the mouth. Their theme song is presumably well worth hearing, though.

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2 thoughts on “Student Prince, Meet Tractor Boy – And Let the Champagne and Ointment Be Unconfined!

  1. How could you exclude the mighty names on display in our very own Women’s Netball La Liga, errrr, headlined by the Tactix and the Pulse? Wonder how much the hired spinners got paid for those grievous appellations.

  2. In years past in the “STORMING INTO BATTLE” section you could have added Dromana Football Club who’s nickname for a while in the 90’s was the Grasshoppers. Since then they’ve reverted to their former nickname, which is the same as that of your AFL club. (Perhaps Grasshoppers sounds more foreboding in Swiss given that there’s still the famous club of the round ball game, Grasshoppers Zurich). In the same league as Dromana there’s Tyabb who persist with their highly menacing nickname, i.e. the Yabbies!

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