(I was writing another “Movies They Never Made” thing for the RRR subscriber magazine, and had to look up one of the older ones to remind myself how the intro bit worked on those, since it had been a while.
This was the older one I checked out, and I thought I’d put it up on here. This was also originally written for “The Trip”, the RRR radio station mag, I’m pretty sure, somewhere around two and a half years ago. This accounts for the fact that, re the last item, Martin “The Count” Pakula is no longer State transport minister. No doubt someone just as good is in that position now, though, whoever they are.)
TEN MORE MOVIES THEY NEVER MADE
Courtesy of the worldwide investigative resources of All Over The Shop’s exclusive media researchers at Axis International Pictures, here are ten more movie projects which were green-lighted by studio executives, but were then scripted, scheduled, cast and abandoned, or were completed, screened once and then destroyed.
THE HILLS HAVE EYEGLASSES
Group of 45-year-old teenagers in the obligatory Scooby-Doo-style van drive into treacherous hinterlands, clearly signposted “Treacherous Hinterlands”, and are kidnapped by a bizarre “family” comprised entirely of discredited former accountants, all wearing eyeglasses. Trapped in the family’s trailer, the teenagers are forced to play endless games of Yahtzee and be sold insurance, until, in the terrifying climax, everyone is suddenly eaten by a bear (Bill Cosby).
With Tim Conway, Suzanne Somers, John Ritter and Jill St John (as the teenagers), Jack Klugman, Peter Ustinov, Andrea Marcovicci, Casey Kasem, the Harlem Globetrotters, Bob Denver.
THE POOH ON HOUSE CORNER
Ill-considered combination of Disney/A.A. Milne “Pooh Bear” franchise with Hugh Laurie’s “House” character, incorporating elements of bowel movement and musical numbers. While trying to involve local street-kids in a new therapeutic treatment involving staging a musical, Dr House is perturbed by the increasing amounts of heffalump faeces dotting the neighbourhood. He investigates, accompanied by a now fully-grown Christopher Robin (John Malkovich), Pooh Bear (Bobcat Goldthwaite), and his faithful assistant, Irving Yentl (Barbra Streisand).
Streisand sings the title theme, “Look at My New Shoes – Ruined!” from a score by Elton John, Buster Douglas, and Andre Rieu, with lyrics by Tim Rice and Crackers Keenan.
ROCKY VS FREDDY KRUEGER
Ambitious attempt to revive two famous movie franchises simultaneously, as Rocky Balboa, now aged 73 (Sylvester Stallone) once again revives his boxing career in his most dangerous challenge yet, against the blade-fingered killer from Elm Street, Freddy Krueger (Paul Shaffer – Robert Englund was unavailable). Two rounds in, with Rocky lacerated to the consistency of chopped liver, (but still mysteriously leading on the card of the New Jersey judge), the picture looks like it’s going to end 75 minutes early, when the lawyers for the X-Men enter (Sam Waterston and Lainie Kazan) and sue Krueger on behalf of Wolverine for gimmick infringement. Patrick Stewart enters and complains he’s tired of being cast in these kinds of garbage movies, everything explodes, and then Mike Myers (played by Mike Myers in a kilt and Scottish accent) sues Michael Myers from the “Friday the 13th” movies (Robert Englund – he became available) for name confusion, and is counter-sued by Mick Mars from Motley Crue (Liza Minnelli).
Confusion results, with Harvey Korman.
STAR WARS COLLEGE: DARTH GETS A BONER
Hilarious “Animal House” style antics at Star Wars College as the young Darth Vader (Ron Howard) cruises the Niblick Galaxy Campus in search of kicks, beer, panty raids and the loss of his virginity, accompanied by his good buddies “Potsie” Yoda, Obi-Ralph-Kenobi, and Jabba the Fonzarelli. With Anson Williams, Donny Most, Henry Winkler, and Tom Bosley as Mr Chewbacca.
In this sequel to Erin Brockovich, Julia Roberts is once again highly annoyed by toxic sludge released into the water supply by the power company, and after quickly studying for ten years to become a technological genius, forges a sophisticated flying iron armour augmented with many colourful and photogenic exploding weapons, which she then dons to become the new superhero, Iron Brockovich. She then takes on the sinister forces of rogue government agent Sinister Forces (Tony Randall), assisted by her sidekick Copper Nuts (Pink) and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
THE LAST KHAZI ON EARTH
Intended as the final instalment of the disaster movie craze of the 1970s, with a science-fiction theme, and music by Andre Kostelanetz, his orchestra, and Uri Geller on spoons.
Invading aliens (the Osmond Family) ignore attempts by humanity to make contact with them via basketball scores and risqué greeting cards, and cover the Earth with a mysterious ray which reduces all toilet facilities in the world to rubble, except the underground one outside the old GPO building in Elizabeth St, Melbourne. (This is immune due to being nuclear strike-proof, and also containing a particularly powerful form of urinal cake in the trough.) Rioting, panic and ill-mannered behaviour spread around the globe as everyone desperately flies, sails and stampedes towards the final toilet holding their bladder.
Starring Charlton Heston as Block McCrapp, the last lavatory attendant, Faye Dunaway as Gaye Funaway, Robert Ryan, Scatman Crothers, Alan Hale Jr as Farting Man, Ernest Borgnine as Farting Man #2, and Hattie Jacques as Matron. Guest appearances by Arthur Brough as Mr Grainger, and Kevin Costner as “Wally Waterworks”.
MAD MAX IV: ALL IN ME HEAD
Pet project of star Mel Gibson, who combines the keenly awaited fourth Mad Max film with the concept of “Being John Malkovich” only with himself instead of John Malkovich. In a desolate apocalyptic landscape inside Mel Gibson’s head, Max Rockatansky (Mel Gibson) greets invaders into the head by beating them up, throwing them out and yelling “What do you think this is – Central Park?” Pestered by comedian Gilbert Gottfried (Patrick Stewart) and actor Patrick Stewart (John Malkovich), he hides deeper in his head, where he finds a vat of grain alcohol, and a great and wonderful wizard named Oz (Tom Bosley), only he might have imagined the latter, considering he was pretty smashed at the time. Christ is then crucified for five hours, with a ten minute intermission.
A BATH-HOUSE FULL OF YENTAS
Olympia Dukakis, Mary Stuart Masterson, Madonna, Bette Midler, Shirley Maclaine, Whoopi Goldberg, Whoopi Streisand, Rosie O’Donnell, Whoopi DeGeneres, and Sarah Whoopi Parker all star in this touching tale of women sitting around in a bath-house yelling, spitting and complaining to each other about groin disorders, menopausal symptoms, and uncaring, unfeeling men until the bathwater runs out and they are all revealed as human prunes. Film was withheld and destroyed for fear that any men accidentally seeing it would never return to any cinema. Featured a walk-on by Patrick Stewart as the plumbing sub-contractor who inadvertently strays into the public bath area and is immediately turned to stone.
THE MAGICAL HITLER
Captivating animated tale of a bored young brother and sister who, one day, while searching through the attic, discover their grandfather’s trunk of World War II souvenirs, including several irreplaceable art works, a used dagger with a swastika on the handle, and a magical statuette of Hitler. When they rub the Magical Hitler, it transports them to a marvellous far-off land, where they have adventures with unicorns, dragons, gryphons, human resource officers, MC Hammer and other mythical creatures. Film was completed, but suppressed after studio executive Yankel Lupinsky saw rushes containing the charming musical numbers, “Adrift with Adolf” and “The Hitler-Man Can” and his head exploded.
THE SATANIC RITES OF PAKULA
Trouble-plagued production which attempted to combine vampire movies with a study of the Victorian transport system. After being zapped by a radioactive Myki machine under a full moon, state transport minister Martin Pakula, (played by Scott Bakula), turns into Count Dracula, commences a reign of terror, leading his flock of vampires in flight over Melbourne, where they immediately cause traffic jams amongst themselves in the air and force vampire services to be indefinitely reduced and rescheduled. The movie soon grinds to a halt as Count Pakula hovers in mid-air, scribbling furiously with a pen on a timetable, and yelling to enraged townspeople, “I’ll get it in a minute!” as Myki machines explode thunderously all over Melbourne. Co-starring Vin Diesel as Professor Van Halen, Michael Caine as Alfred the Butler, Ken Sutcliffe as Stan Butler, Renee Zellweger as Olive, and Russell Brand as “Blakey”.