(Proposal for a modernised version of a newspaper advice column. This version was “streamlined” by not bothering to contact the nominal author at all, and instead making the whole thing up. Originally appeared as part of a “Sporting Life” column I wrote for The Age, published Sept 3rd, 2008. Apparently that was a Wednesday.)
WHAT WOULD ANTHONY MUNDINE DO?
QUESTION: “Dear Anthony Mundine, our daughter is soon to be married, but her husband is from overseas and many of his family and friends will be unable to attend the service. As a result, in the church there will be an extreme imbalance between the “Bride’s side” and the “Groom’s side”. What should we do?”
ANTHONY MUNDINE: Once again the Man has a plan, which he has hatched on his divan, while eating a flan. Coincidentally, the recipe was from Kazakhstan. What youse should do, is, like, what The Man done when he’s at home, and get hold of a number of life-size cardboard cut-outs of Anthony “The Man” Mundine, orright? Then youse should, like artfully interpolose them between the Broom-guy’s guests so it looks like more people. I do a similar thing at home around The Man’s dinner-table, bro, and it really brightens up a room. Word.
QUESTION: “Our formerly delightful teenage son has recently turned snappy, snarly and sullen. He disrespects authority, and seems to think the entire world revolves around him. What can we do, Anthony Mundine?”
ANTHONY MUNDINE: So what if he is sappy and snully and sarlen? Maybe he knows he is the best, above all the rest, whether nude or dressed, in woolly jumper or vest – did you ever think of that one in your intimate Wisden? There is this Man I know – he is, err, a close friend of mine – what everybody done thinked was just a big mouth, but he proved to all the doubters that the world really DID revolt around him. And now everyone just say, “Thanks to you Man”, err, that is, “Close friend of the Man” because he has, like, shown them the errand of their waste, man. Playa.
QUESTION: Dear The Man, I am in early middle-age and neglected my fitness in recent years, chiefly due to work commitments. I was wondering whether you had any tips to get me back on the right track?
ANTHONY MUNDINE: You have come to the right place, bro, because when it comes to the physinque and the world-class athletichysm, I am the marvel, who is not named Schnabel, having great difficulties finding another word to rhyme with ‘marvel’. What youse should do is expire to be like The Man, get into the gyn, do some warm-ups and hit the heady bag. Because you are getting on in years, you should then immediately contact my management and sign up to be my next highly ranked opponent. You will not ever win, because I am The Man with elan, currently writing this on the can, quite a bit south of Japan, and there ain’t no-one around what is in my class-calibre of expertosity in the field of what I done did. Note: this offer not available if you are early-middle aged guy named Joe Calzaghe. Extraneous rap term.