Mars Needs Sitars

A Nation Transported


Science Fiction Raita


A Scientific Paper on the Massed Rocketing of Indians

by Prof Larry L & the Deltoids

Regarding Mars Rover findings, a scientist announced that Mars had previously been such a benign, life-supportive environment that, had life-forms been present back then, they could have drunk the water there. Another story said that India is becoming short of drinking water. If you’re thinking like I’m thinking, one solution clearly offers itself. However there are four major problems to be solved.

(1) Since its Mars, you’re going to need appropriate transportation, and that thing is going to be a REALLY big rocket. Just the number of toilet facilities required in terms of both space and expense becomes a mind-boggling prospect, and remember, these are special space toilets – even more hi-tech and redolent of flushnology and flushnicalities that an aeroplane or bus convenience – because otherwise the entire Indian population will be getting all that stuff all over their nice new space clothes.

(2) Since it’s Mars in the past (when the geologist guy says the planet was theoretically habitable and the water was lying around on the surface like water) you need a time machine. This problem is compounded by:

(a) Having to build a working time machine, bearing in mind that much like “faster than light-speed” interstellar travel, family occasions without altercations, or interesting documentaries about farm life, mankind has never previously succeeded in inventing such a thing.

(b) working out how much time it actually takes to time travel, because while it’s always pretty much instantaneous in the movies, that can’t be taken for granted as a guarantee of anything in real life, and also, if it’s going to take a while, you’re back to the nightmare of having to build enough public toilet facilities for the transit of the population of India; additionally, the size of the transportation room will have to be roughly the size of India and then you have to think about whether you put in a mezzanine, shops and a cocktail pianist, etc.

(c) If I can continue for a second on the massed toilets theme, because it’s been bugging me, just the amount of liquid hand-wash required, not to mention the quantity of those hand-dryer blower things that are made in New Zealand will require a complex, tortuous schedule of international telethons to fund, and Jerry Lewis isn’t as young as he used to be.

(d) In case we miss the correct time frame for sustainability of life on Mars by a few years when we load the Indians on the time machine, we have to send a tremendous amount of varied-interest magazines along with them, so they’ve got something to read while they wait.

(e) While Mars in the past has been deemed suitable for sustaining life, further research needs to be conducted as to whether it was a viable environment to support pappadums.



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