Fits and Starts #5

 

 The world media’s leading source of harebrained folderol. Since 2013.

 

 

*  Headline today: “Love him or loathe him, you can’t ignore Kyle Sandilands”.

However cognitive researchers have found that, for millions of Melburnians, and indeed Australians in general, that read:

“Ignore him or ignore him, blah blah blah (name indecipherable)”.

 

*  There have been suggestions that Ricky Nixon did not pay an adequate price after being found guilty of assault on his former girlfriend. Arguably, this does not take in the larger picture. As a result of the investigations, Nixon has had to substantially rework portions of his groundbreaking stand-up comedy set, as he found he needed a more upbeat finish. It is believed he will add a song and soft-shoe dance.

 

*  Following considerable communal concern regarding increases in obesity and unhealthy lifestyles and diets, one television network has taken a bold, public-spirited step towards getting people outside and exercising, via the following words:

“Coming up next, Richard Wilkins chats with Ellen DeGeneres”

 

* Specially commissioned pictures have predicted the royal baby’s features for the offspring of Prince William and the Duchess of Middlesborough. Oddly enough, it looks quite a lot like Mick Jagger.

 

 

* Panic in the News Ltd ranks over seating accommodations in the lower house. According to the story, poll result suggested that if the trend was maintained in an election, coalition MPs would be so plentiful they’d spill over established government seating and some would have to sit with (Labor) Opposition MPs and “two cross-benchers”.

(We’ve already nailed that number exactly as well, apparently. Impressive sooth-saying there.)

To be fair, your spirit medium for the occasion, “Madame” Malcolm Farr, thought to add: “The margin between Labor and the Coalition is expected to be much closer in September.”

That comes eight pars in to the story. That’s how you get ’er done in NewsCorp Land. Remember this the next time some ninny rattles on about Fairfax, or the ABC, or whoever it is, being a “red rag” or “Labor house journal” or whatever the modern euphemism is, while apparently trying to leave open the hilarious inference that News Ltd outlets are fair and impartial with only the public interest at heart.

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