Fits and Starts #7

 Media-dom’s acknowledged leading source of random tripe.

Since 2013.

*  Seven workers have died in a beer tank at a brewery in Mexico City which, unfortunately, manufactures Corona beer, thus leaving worldwide news sources devastated that they could not, in all honesty, use the otherwise obvious line in such a situation: “And what a way to go!”

A spokesman was quoted as saying to reporters that “There were no other risks at the brewery”. Presumably this came as a considerable consolation to the seven guys that died.

 

*  Nerf news item from News Ltd on Monday provided ten physiological reasons why you should drink a glass of water containing the juice of half a lemon, including benefits to digestion, your skin, internal organs and fresh breath. Meanwhile here’s one reason not to drink it – it tastes like ass. Sour ass.

 

*  One of the main news stories on my internet service provider’s news page today, when boiled down to the essence: “Student gets poor service from discount airline”.

OK, any religions waiting for the messiah to come around, whether the first or second time, you should probably be on mauve alert. This headline clearly demonstrates there was absolutely no real news at all, which means that everyone is simultaneously being incredibly nice to each other, and those are optimum messiah-returning conditions by the standard of most biblical Testaments.

 

*  Sharp thinking technical developers in an Indian manufacturing business have come up with a deterrent in the attempt to stem sexual attacks on women in India – an electrified bra. As yet, no Plan B has been identified in the event that the guy attacking doesn’t wear a bra.

 

*  Taking a different tack to much current discussion and debate, some towns in the US, such as Nelson, Georgia, have declared mandatory gun ownership for all citizens of appropriate age. Experts have described this as the “Hurrying the Inevitable Up to Save Time” social strategy.

 

*  Former Mouseketeer and star of the “Beach Party” series of movies, Annette Funicello, has passed away at the age of 70. There was no word from Disney or her professional representation at press-time as to whether “Deadsketeer” was more or less respectful than continuing to use a term as contextually weird as “Mouseketeer” about someone who was pretty old and died.

 

*  Footy pundits freely declared Melbourne’s defeat and ongoing club problems “historic” in their magnitude. Many media commentators also declared Round 2 the most stacked home-and-away round in the game’s history, and Sunday as the most keenly awaited regular season games of all time.

On arriving home later, they announced that they had just conducted “the most insightful and adept car-parking display ever demonstrated in their driveway”, shortly before taking “Arguably the most memorable voiding of a bladder in football history”, and then accidentally standing in the cat’s food while grabbing a beer out of the fridge “in a truly spectacular and unprecedented manner”.

++ Please note: the Australian sports media chapter of WBAn – Wad-Blowers Anonymous – is open to all who cannot open a bag of nuts or a door for that matter, without declaring that something historic has happened. If you believe some media pundit is a hopeless Wad-Blower, please report this to WBan, and help stamp out this debilitating disorder before they drive everybody else as apeshit as they obviously are.

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