BEYOND THE NEWS – The Tattered Remnants

IN LIEU OF HIGHLIGHTS – The BEYOND THE NEWS story

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[Beyond the News was a regular news parody segment on the radio show Stew Farrell and I did for about six years on RRR, called All Over The Shop. These are some of the scripts from it. In case of confusion/caring, for the purposes of this exercise, Elmer Fudd = Kevin Rudd. Maybe in real life too, a bit.]

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**  Turning to entertainment news, and former Sex Pistol Johnny Rotten has done an ad for Country Life butter in England. The avowed anarchist and career iconoclast has also agreed to do an album and musical cookbook  of re-recorded Sex Pistols material to mark the occasion, featuring such songs as “God Save the Cream”, “Buttermilk in the UK”, “Pretty Yoghurt”, and “Hollandaise in the Sun”, with the album to be entitled, “Never Mind the Margarine, We’re the Country Life Butter Pat Pistols”.

**  A man has risked his own life to save a drowning kangaroo from shark-infested waters off a popular tourist beach. The man has been described as the exact reason why private health insurance premiums are so prohibitively expensive.

**  All systems are go for the Australian Grand Prix celebrity race, which organisers have revealed will this year include a celebrity. They remain tight-lipped as to his or her name, but admitted that the persons initials were LS, that they would be singing the songs “Long Tall Glasses” and “Thunder in my Heart” over the circuit PA while driving, and that their surname rhymed with “Player”. Also in the celebrity race will be Humphrey B Bear, Darryl Somers’ hair wrangler, the lady with the big teeth off the What’s New ads, Channel Ten’s weekend weather assistant, someone who got drunk and threw up outside the Big Brother house once, Tim Webster, that Toadfish from Neighbours guy, the leggy Rhonda Burchmore, Margaret Pomerantz’s greengrocer, the chorus line from the Melbourne production of “The Producers”, the woman with the tightest shirt off the Weather Channel, and the guy who does the Foxtel How-to instructions. A resplendent Premier the Reverend Brumby announced that to inconvenience as many people as possible, the celebrity race will now be run at midnight on Tuesday, just when everyone thought this mess was safely out of the way.

**  On an official visit to Buckingham Palace as part of his G20 Summit tour, US President Barack Obama graciously gave the Queen an iPod. In return the Queen gave the President a Pussycat Dolls CD, and a DVD box set of “Gossip Girls”, and they then spent what White House aides later described as some down time just mackin’, hangin out and talking about boys.

**  To local news, and two men have been captured on film while stealing a giant 90 kilogram model camera from the roof of a store in Ringwood. Experts say their main mistake of the master criminals was in not realising the very slim chance of them not being photographed while engaged in the act of robbing a camera store. Police believe the men will attempt to use the 90 kilogram camera to take really big photos.

**  Wearing a record 37 wigs in a single court-session, one of them fluorescent and featuring neon signage that blinked on and off reading “Eat at Joe’s” Phil Spector has finally been convicted of murdering someone. Mr Spector’s defence team had argued that actress Laura Actress had picked up the gun and stared into it in the mistaken belief it was a pair of binoculars, then dislodging the safety catch while trying to focus but the weary jury wasn’t buying. Mr Spector was philosophical about the decision, pouring custard over his own and the judge’s heads and then juggling goldfish bowls while repeatedly shouting “Wibble bibble”. He will be remanded into the custody of his purple and green wig, pending sentencing and the expected motion picture adaptation, written and directed by Mel Gibson, “Phil Spector is Innocent and Personally I Blame the Jews”.

**  Scientists have discovered the smallest known planet. It’s called Neville, normally wears a bathrobe and carpet slippers and orbits around Wantirna.

**  Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has amazingly been described as being even more dull on Twitter than real life, after apparently misunderstanding the aim of the massed text-messaging system. Some of Mr Rudd’s twitters so far have included messages like: “My back hurts a bit – hoping you are all well”, “You just can’t beat a dab of butter on a piece of white bread, can you?”, and “For a taste of adventure, why not try a latte?”

Mr Rudd’s subscribers have also received a strange series of texts including “I don’t think this thing is working again, Genevieve”, followed  by “Look, I DID press it and nothing happened” and ending in “Can someone get young Garrett over here to have a look at this rotten fudge of a phone for me – I can’t make heads nor tails out of it!”

**  Finally to the world of entertainment, and Wayne Allwine, the actor who supplied the voice of the famous Disney character Mickey Mouse for the last 32 years has died. As no-one can remember Mickey Mouse appearing in a motion picture in the last 32 years, the role will now be given to someone in the witness protection program.

**  Following alleged comments by celebrity swearer Gordon Ramsay, and subsequent denials from Nine current affairs host Tracy Grimshaw that she was a lesbian, a number of Australian lesbians have come forward and admitted that, following days of pitched debate, they can’t work out which of the two they are less interested in sleeping with.

**  Minister for forgetting his opinions on everything and doing the complete opposite Peter Garrett has given the go-ahead for the Four Mile uranium mine 500 kilometres north of Adelaide. Mr Garrett explained that many of his songs had previously been misunderstood, and that “Beds are Burning” was really about dangerously flammable mattresses, “Read About It” was encouraging young people to read more newspapers, and “Blue Sky Mine” was about how he felt he owned part of the sky. He added that as a parliamentarian, his personal beliefs now came down to being in favour of Aboriginals in moderation, being in favour of the environment as long as that environment including dredging, and being completely green in that he preferred peas to carrots.

**  The reality TV show MasterChef Australia has reached a new ratings landfill, having recorded an average national audience figure of over 2 million for Monday’s episode. Australians were clearly captivated by this great breakthrough in television, which featured contestants making two pies, one sweet and one savoury. In the wake of this great achievement, plans are now afoot at the Ten network for a new thrilling reality show which will feature contestants eating two pies, and possibly a sausage roll as well. Meanwhile other networks are said to be advanced in plans for counter-programming, which could include a show featuring two contestants knitting, a Seven network program entitled “Who can chew gum the longest – Australia”, and an unsigned pilot show which is attracting a lot of interest featuring contestants sitting on the toilet knitting after having eaten pies and sausage rolls. According to independent studies conducted by researchers Australians are now officially easier to entertain than a group of young chimpanzees given a box of Lego.

**  Australian Prime Minister Elmer Fudd has warned the public that the government’s announced health reforms will not be cheap. He also warned children not to spend their pocket money all in the one place, told people to take a coat in case it gets chilly later, strongly advised against running with scissors, and was later beaten up and had his glasses bent and his lunch money taken by some of the tougher senators behind the shelter sheds, while yelling “Fair shake of the sauce bottle, chaps” and “I’m on a hiding to muffins here”.

**  Australian Prime Minister Elmer Fudd has helped the AFL launch its new environmentally friendly Green Round by sharing a few handpasses with Carlton star Chris Judd, which saw the PM drop the ball twice, and his glasses fall off and pens shoot out of his pocket while retrieving it. A relaxed Mr Fudd explained that, contrary to his bookish stuffy image, he liked nothing more than having a game of quick-to-kick with his kids at home, and taking a few speckles. The PM added that he also enjoyed heading out to the auditorium for a good game of footly, where he always got stuck right into one of those meat quiches and enjoyed an ice-cold beverage as long as the mineral water was made in Australia. He concluded that nothing made him happier than to yell out “Prawn!!” along with the crowd, before ministerial aides brought him down with a tranquiliser gun and hustled him behind closed doors. The AFL will celebrate Green Round by playing a number of games which could have been played during the day at night, under thousands of blazing electric lights, and will otherwise celebrate it by having green ovals for the occasion.

**  Finally the honourees for this year’s ARIA Hall of Fame induction ceremony have been announced. They are John Paul Young, Kev Carmody, Little Patti, Mental as Anything and the Dingoes. National excitement levels have been measured at 27 logs and a large hand-saw in a thought-balloon.

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