Once More Into the Bleachers…
[Leaping Larry’s Letterbox was a column which appeared in The Age on Saturdays for quite some years. * It was essentially a send-up of current sporting matters written by me in such a way as to nominally resemble a normal letters column.
The date of publication appears above each item. Some editing has occurred but not so much your humble blodge-meister would break a sweat or anything.
* (“Quite some” is a figure officially designated as greater than 5 but less than 10, by scientists. With meters with knobs and lights on. Particularly knobs.)]
I’ve just thought of the perfect opponent for Anthony Mundine. This guy is really old, has health issues, and is basically non-violent – desirable Mundine-opponent qualities. On the downside, I don’t think he’s taking many bookings outside Vatican City these days.
ANGUS CROCK, Sunshine
Interesting article in your paper the other day, concerning a survey which revealed that, as Australia’s regular golfers buy more and more expensive and elaborate equipment, the size of their handicap doesn’t get any smaller. This is a cruel paradox. It’s potentially bad news for the golf equipment business, but the exact same survey findings would be considered a godsend by the sex paraphernalia industry.
CARL L. KENT, Nth Balwyn
Everyone is keen to congratulate Wayne Arthurs on winning his first ever ATP tournament. When Wayne Arthurs started, nobody had ever heard of Anthony Mundine, the reality television and new-fangled talent quest crazes were yet to sweep our screens, Brisbane was yet to win a premiership, and there were no water restrictions. In short, we’d all be better off if he’d never played tennis.
BILLIE HAYS, Coburg
Brisbane Bullets player Simon Kerle claimed his team had played like “scared little bitches” in being defeated 113-79 by the Sydney Kings. I think there’s a clear lesson in that for all of us. This is why we shouldn’t let sport people here listen to rap music.
THEODORE KNIGHT, Carlton
I read the other week where Glenn Archer wants game-clocks abolished at the ground to improve suspense, or something. Sounds great, but why not pull out all the stops. Let’s play night games with the lights off, and not turn them on until the match is over. The suspense ought to be pulverising.
SEAN O’GRADY, Sunshine
Jason Akermanis can put whatever rationalisation spin on it he likes. Comparing ANY radio executives to monkeys is offensive in the extreme. The differences are obvious. Monkeys are charming, likeable creatures, which entertain us.
OLIVER QUEEN, Malvern
For those still confused by the decisions of the Match Tribunal Review Board Committee and Grill, here are the key factors of consideration, regarding any alleged offending player:
RECKLESS – Was he singing an Australian Crawl song at the time of the incident?
IMPACT – What kind of font should be employed on the official press release?
LOCATION – Accessibility to shops, schools and transport.
CONTACT – Word spoken to make old-fashioned planes go.
ACTIVATION POINTS – Roll two dice. Take away the number you first thought of. Toss salt over left shoulder and hop on one foot while whistling Australian Crawl song.
LEO BLOOM, Bentleigh
What do Cold Chisel, the current-era Arsenal team, and the nation of Germany in the first half of the 20th Century all have in common? Limited success in Europe.
LEON ASKIN, Mooroolbark