Zodiac Rampage, Revisited

[Something in the way a horoscope was written – in a US paper, around 11 years ago – made me think of writing smart-arse responses to the individual ‘verses’, or ‘pronouncements’, or bullpoo sentence fragments of the star-chart soothsayer concerned.

The file I’ve got only says it was from Jan 2002 or before, and it was written for a primeval version of this here interweb site, or “LarryLand” * as I prefer to think of it.]

* (As does pro wrestler Larry Zbyszko, from whom I borrowed that expression.)

THE ANSWERS ARE IN THE STARS, BUT YOU TRY AND GET A CHEAP FLIGHT THIS TIME OF YEAR

or

SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID HOROSCOPES

I’m always in awe of those masters of the destiny of men, those flat-out bunkum artists, I mean diviners of fortune, the astrological profession, ie people who make up crap for the paper about star signs. Surely these people are at least as respected in the greater community as parking inspectors, AFL commissioners, deputy opposition leaders, and waiters who resent paying customers because they are really great artistes and ac-tors waiting to happen. I found one of these horoscope things on the internerd recently. This is the actual Los Angeles Times horoscope, as soothsayered by possible icon of his local Liquorland and catfood store, Sydney Omarr, who – and I may well be wrong – I picture with a smoke, a pointy black hat, his pyjama pants half opened, and his star charts flopping into the grease of last night’s unfinished Cappricciosa.

The lines from the horoscope are in bold type and the rest is me.

ARIES


Focus on loving and being loved.

But remember, guys get thrown out of the pub for this everyday

Be discriminating. Be sure your partner is worthy.

Yes, ask them some challenging questions, like what’s the capital of Brussels, and who wrote Beethoven’s Fifth.

A child could figure prominently.

What’choo talkin’ bout, Willis?

Pisces and Virgo play prominent roles.

However the dialogue is trite, the special effects shaky, and John Ritter makes an unconvincing Lady MacBeth.

TAURUS

You could be involved in a financial transaction involving home and property.

Right, like the rent or the mortgage. Check out that fancy schmancy soothsaying. This is right up there with saying “You will meet an Australian who enjoys beer”, or “You will be involved in a financial transaction with a supermarket check-out chick so slow that time actually moves backwards, like during the Brownlow Count.”

Don’t go hat in hand – you have plenty to offer, and others are aware of it.

Sure, they’re laughing about it around the coffee machine as we speak. They thought your hat was pretty funny too.

Your relationship “sizzles”.

I’m sorry, that was a misprint. It should have read “fizzles”.

GEMINI

Parting is such sweet sorrow; however there will be a reunion almost before you know it.

This is the fortune-telling equivalent of “It’s just a jump to the left/And then a step to the right”.

Be aware of foreign affairs; you could be an important spokesperson.

Yes Yassir Arafat is going to call you up for help with the office footy tipping this year.

Libra is involved.

Sorry, I only buy the kind that comes in the crush-proof floral pack.

CANCER

Take a cold plunge into your destiny.

But wait at least one hour after eating.

Be in charge, don’t wait to be told.

You need Palmolive Gold.

Wear brighter colours and make personal appearances.

Who am I now, Ronald freaking McDonald?

Financial picture shows amazing improvement.

If it’s my financial picture you’re talking about, I think you need to call Mr Antenna for your crystal ball.

LEO

Lunar cycle high.

Who could forget that great hit by John Denver.

Events transpire to bring you closer to goal.

However a loose pass is picked up by Roy Keane, and United scores through the agency of Giggs at the other end.

What you seek will be found – know it and be aware.

 Name the Sting album this lyric comes from for valuable cash prizes.

Focus on partnership and marriage.

Or you could just buy the person a few drinks and pretend to be interested in what they’re saying about the Harry Potter movie, as that stuff also works sometimes.

Cancer native plays a major role.

The adjacent headline in Variety magazine reads: “Stix nix hix pix.”

VIRGO

Don’t fear the unknown.

A great hit for the Blue Oyster Cult in 1976.

Entertain and be entertained.

OK, so you’re telling me to steer clear of the ABC and Nova FM.

People want to read what you write, and hear anecdotes concerning “mysterious happenings”.

After 25 years, if people suddenly want to hear what I write, it will be a mysterious happening, particularly if they want to pay me a human wage for the privilege.

Sense of humor gets you in and out of tight spots.

Maybe, but once again, I’d go with buying them a few drinks and pretending you were interested in what they were saying about the Harry Potter movie.

LIBRA

You will be involved, voluntarily or otherwise.

So now I’m the freaking Army Reserve. Ever get the impression that the horoscope compiler is watching a more knocker-heavy than usual Jerry Springer episode at the same time they’re writing your star sign?

You are called upon to assess situations and show the way to freedom.

However, they’ve stationed extra guards in D Block, so maybe you better wait for the parole board hearing.

People rely on you emotionally and financially.

And the punchline is: you’re the StKilda Football Club.

SCORPIO

Your words, verbal and written, will have tremendous impact.

Boy these astrologers are on top of things. This is my star sign, and my own family blows outside for a smoke halfway through me saying: “Good afternoon.”

Flirtation, at first taken lightly, becomes hot and heavy.

Or in legal terminology, they call it “a restraining order.”

You will be at the right place at a special moment almost effortlessly.

You must have the same travel agent as SBS’s Les Murray. Boy that guy gets a lot of free trips.

SAGITTARIUS

The emphasis is on home, where you live, and marital status.

 This is why they pay international king of the horoscopes and master of your destiny Sydney Omarr the big money. He can tell you that, presuming you’re not SBS’s Les Murray, home is where you live, and that you have a marital status, which I guess would be either married or single, but then I’m not the guy with the star charts, the 15 cats and the 52 ounce bottle of Malt Liquor.

You will receive a surprise gift – a luxury item that helps beautify the residence.

Well, I’ve never heard an eviction notice described like that before.

Express gratitude without being obsequious.

OK, then let me just say, “Thanks for nothing.”

CAPRICORN

Dig deep into areas previously “off-limits”.

I’m not sure whether this means you should wear a condom or just pay off the usual people at the council building permits office.

You might learn more than you care to know regarding financial status of partner or mate.

At least it beats hearing them talk about the Harry Potter movie.

Pisces plays fascinating role.

Unfortunately it’s shown on Channel Seven opposite the football and nobody sees it.

AQUARIUS

Work behind the scenes.

Yeah, quit the ABC.

Be sure your policies are followed.

Yeah, quit the Labor Party.

An individual who doubts your authority should be told off.

Sounds like laryngitis for Wayne Jackson about two weeks into the football season.

Personal relationship heated and stormy.

Clearing to light drizzle and splitting up of property later on.

Capricorn represented.

And well represented too. The lawyer plea-bargains the case down to simple possession and a good behaviour bond.

PISCES

This new year, you get credit for a “job well done”.

And still get passed over for promotion for some nurk with a better haircut and the intellect of a bath-plug.

Potential is greater than expected – look beyond the immediate.

This is clearly astrologer talk for “You might get a shag on the second date.”

Love relationship grows stronger. Aries is in the picture.

Aries must have put on a little weight. I can’t see me in the picture.

AND FINALLY, FROM HOROSCOPE LAND:

You have been hurt in the arena of love, but are always willing to give romance another opportunity.

Or, as we say in this country, “Drive safely and Goodnight ‘Straya”.

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