As a fellow reprobate at The Age newspaper had inadvertently pursued exactly the same idea as I had for an AFL grand final day preview, I had to come up with something else for my Saturday column for 28th September.
You can read that one via The Age website as usual.
However, for readers of this interweb site, here’s the one that didn’t get published in the paper.
VIGILANCE THE KEY FOR GRAND FINAL TV
Time once again for the officially unofficial AFL grand final “Watching and Listening Game”.
The W&LG can be enjoyed by everybody gathered to watch today’s Channel Seven telecast. It merely requires agreement beforehand as to what represents a single penalty in the game – whether a sip of refreshing water, a peanut, a bite of celery, or whatever.
(Rumours abound that some utilise intoxicating beverages, but frankly this notion seems too far-fetched to be granted further consideration.)
Figures in parentheses indicate number of penalties to be observed by each player.
* Any reference to players as “warriors” (1)
* Bruce McAvaney gets somewhat overexcited as someone steams into goal and does that unnecessarily guttural “porno voice” thing of his – the one he always used to do in commentary re Wayne Carey (1)
* Dennis Cometti sneaks in his pro wrestling/WWE reference (2), or rarer UFC reference (4)
* Bruce gets the 3AW plug in when he throws to Doc Larkins (1)
* Following a controversial incident, everyone wants to see replay, commentator calls for replay – there is no replay (1)
* Video review system offers four utterly mystifying angles, guy with oldest-sounding voice in the world announces: “Inconclusive – umpire’s call.” (1)
* Dennis Cometti makes bizarre if hilarious comparison of play/player to musical artist (2)
* Bruce asks the unnecessary rhetorical question – doesn’t he? (1)
(Note – Consider a mercy rule for younger players, so they can skip every second one at least.)
* Leigh Matthews says something incongruously cheery and equivocal about an extremely annoying umpiring decision (2)
* Tom Harley mentions “intensity”. (1)
(Note – if mercy rule is not deployed on that last one, Amnesty International may intervene.)