From The Cheap Seats – Sunday 2nd March

(My Sunday column didn’t make the cut for the Age website this week, so for those who follow it on-line, here she blows.)

STUNNER OF THE WEEK

The new away strip of the Scotland football team looks more or less like an industrial accident in the world of cosmetics, and/or like some work experience kid printed out the photo-negative of the intended colours by accident. The horizontal stripes – which, like all hope in the onlooker, diminish in magnitude as the shirt continues – are yellow, and a colour which has variously and euphemistically been described as “fuschia” or “salmon”, which is to say, pink. These hues might well be ideal for fruit-based confectionary or outfits suited to a spirited workout by the Cirque Du Soleil, but arguably are not a strikingly obvious fit for any football team.

UK website The Daily Mash put it this way:

“Scotland’s new away kit represents the country’s history of producing delicate indie music for manchildren, according to the Scottish Football Association. As well as a pink and yellow hooped shirt and socks, Scottish players will also be issued with an anorak, a pair of thick-rimmed glasses held together with Sellotape, and a dream journal.”

SNOOZER OF THE WEEK

To summarise many stories which seem to want to be increasingly giganticular in their monumentalosity, the ASADA investigation into Esserdon and that rugby league mob isn’t quite over yet, and individual players may or may not be cited. Incidentally, the key performance indicator that someone is restating the same thing over and over in a slightly different way might be the number of people who leave the table and drift over to the pubTAB.

THE WEEKLY YAK ATTACK 

The AFL seems on the verge of the precipice of having decided it has all the answers regarding equalisation and the peculiar intricate clockwork guiding the cyclic nature of club performance over time in competition. This could lead to a certain amount of charging about like an elephant in a bric-a-brac store. Results could be exactly as desired, or might lead to financial hamstringing of the relatively few financially stable clubs, and teams ping-ponging up and down the ladder on a whim every couple of years. Who knows? It doesn’t seem all that long ago when grim-faced pundits and experts pronounced that interstate clubs were unshakably dominant and that Victorian teams would struggle without an extensive rejig of the system. This was all before Geelong, Hawthorn, Collingwood and St Kilda surged to dominant positions, of course. Difficult to say whether the league learned anything from that. For one thing, the league never seemed keen to accept that the portion of “Jack and the Beanstalk” where Jack, in haste, sold the cow for a handful of purportedly magic beans, might be taken as some kind of instructive parable or analogy.

HOW FAR THE CHERRY?

Just to clarify, regarding the AFL pre-season “NAB Challenge” event, what was the challenge? Also is it over yet, still going or neither, did anyone win, and, if so, how did they manage it? Perhaps working all of that out was the “challenge” part.

BOZO OF THE WEEK

Suffice to say that Brisbane’s second goal in Friday night’s match v Perth Glory is well worth searching out on-line. “Error-strewn” doesn’t quite cover it. It seemed an oversight that replays weren’t accompanied by the Benny Hill music.

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