NOT THE SPORTING NEWS 25/5/2011

(This may well seem an unusual item to post, given it’s a news parody, three years out of date.

Another reason it’s an unusual thing to post is that it was an audition piece for a newspaper column that never got to print.

But I chanced to see it in the files and thought it was good enough to make the cut for Blogdom’s Crappiest (TM). If it’s dated, it’s dated, and the full price of admission will be refunded.)

ALL OF EVERYTHING THAT ISN’T SPORT NEWS

::  Angered by a number of media phone calls before breakfast, the AFL has sprung into action like a coiled panther, pledging to investigate the growing turnover in erotic betting.

According to a latest league research, erotic betting is a relatively new phenomenon referring to betting which, the league believes, is conducted in underwear or pyjamas, and, in extreme cases, sometimes not in underwear or pyjamas.

“The league regards anything which may be seen as a blight on the game as, err, a blight on the game,” stated an AFL spokesman unequivocally, adding that action would be taken in the fullness of time, not ruling out the formation of a sub-committee, and, if necessary, a, inquiry to investigate the sub-committee.

Any published images of Ricky Nixon in his underwear, past or present, are believed to have nothing whatsoever to do with erotic betting.

 ———————————————–

::  Socceroos coach Holger Osieck has stated that he is now only looking forward to the 2014 World Cup in Brazil. Meanwhile, thousands of soccer fans have come forward to agree, claiming that given the rest of their lives, they too are only looking forward to the 2014 World Cup.

Australian soccer supremo Sir Les Murray refused to be drawn on the issue, commenting that he has many things in his life, chiefly consisting of all other soccer competitions and thousands of man-hours of hairdressing appointments, but allowed that he also was “quite looking forward” to the 2014 World Cup, or as he insisted on referring to it, “The Wooooorllld Championship, of Phoodboll”.

————————————————

::  The AFL Players Association is believed to be privately seething, in a special private seething room built for just such a purpose, following Hawthorn coach Alistair Clarkson’s ban on his players using mobile phones before the match in Sydney on Sunday.

Clarkson instituted the ban as a special tactical measure, as he couldn’t think straight to draw geometric shapes on the whiteboard, what with all the yelling, giggling, texting and “Angry Birds” game sound-effects in the change rooms.

Both Hawks players and the AFLPA have expressed concerns that players were denied vital access to sending idiotic messages featuring heart and winking icons, giving pizza orders, exchanging up-to-the-minute gossip with their “besties”, changing their “besties” following the discovery of up-to-the-minute gossip, and making full and frank declarations of what they wanted to see at the movies upon their return to Melbourne.

The AFLPA is gearing up for a major confrontation with the league upon this issue, following which it is expected to back down as usual while muttering under its breath.

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::  The IOC is reported to be investigating a plan to incorporate the craze of planking as a full Olympic sport in London in 2012.

IOC delegate Knackers McTafferty declared that the committee would fully and responsibly research planking as it would any other potential Olympic sport, considering all advantages and potential detriments, and then, and only then, come to a positive decision in the event that there might be money in it.

Pending official deliberations, the IOC has given the green light for London organisers to commence organising perilous railings, death-trap bridges, double-decker buses and a fleet of ambulances in the event planking is incorporated into the official Olympic program.

The phenomenon of planking is believed to have been originated in a sporting context, when boxer Anthony Mundine first planked for a number of minutes following the conclusion of his fight with Sven Ottke in December, 2001.

—————DICK WOLF—————–

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