(It’s an oldie – from the radio show All Over The Shop, which I did for around six years on Melbourne’s 3RRR-FM with my broadcast brother Biiiiiiiiig Stew Farrell.
I am forced to admit that this ridiculous excuse to kill time on the public airwaves was one of my favourite things I wrote for the show.
It recalls the fussbudgety heyday of Australia’s former Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, and, for no particularly good or explicable reason, postulates how that august individual might have approached the matter of an attack by a large, wild animal.)
KEVIN RUDD ON BEAR ATTACKS
The following political message is advice from Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd to all citizens about what to do in case of an attack by bears:
1) Form a sub-committee, dealing with the bears’ real needs and what the community can do as a whole to help them.
2) Negotiate with the bears in the Mandarin language
3) Explain to the bears that Work Choices will be dismantled over a ten year period
4) Call the Greens Party immediately since this is more their department
5) Call your local MP and suggest he sets up a bi-partisan, non-political workshop with the bears, and brings plenty of honey.
6) Calm the bears by promising them more major sporting events, since this always seems to work in Melbourne.
7) Hire Laurie Oakes to drive the bears away by mercilessly critiquing their performance. Alternatively, feed Laurie Oakes to them, and then make them even drowsier by feeding Robert Ray to them, and making an incredibly long speech about economic rationalism.
8) Charge at them fearlessly brandishing pictures of Peter Garrett and Julia Gillard.