THE POWER OF POSITIVE POSITIVENESS

On the antisocial media I accidentally stumbled across a no doubt well-meaning piece of inspirational “positivist” horse-hockey, which – at least to my crackpot way of thinking – largely seemed to be some kind of secular positive mantra for the deluded and self-centred.

What it mainly inspired me to do was to reword it just a little here and there, and turn it into something a little different – a life affirmation to benefit others, or what I like to call:

SEVEN THINGS PEOPLE MIGHT LIKE TO REMIND THEMSELVES DAILY IF THEY WANTED TO HELP IMPROVE EVERYONE ELSE’S LIVES FOR A CHANGE

Every day, you should stand in front of the mirror – and maybe even face the mirror but that part is optional – and repeat the following out loud if you want to convince everyone else in the public restroom that you are a lunatic:

1 – I am not that amazing. You know who was amazing? Elvis was amazing. Am I Elvis? No.

2 – I can do anything. But, then again, this may well have been exactly what Greg Norman was thinking when he started up the chainsaw on the most recent occasion

3 – Positivity is what idiots have just before they make some chowder-headed decision that screws up everybody else’s lives

4 – I celebrate my individuality, but will attempt not to do so loudly for 20 minutes into a mobile phone on public transport

5 – I am prepared to succeed no matter how many times my clients insist they do not want “fries with that”.

6 – I could have sworn I had my keys when I left the house, I remember picking them up off the hall table, where the hell could they be, don’t tell me I have to get the locksmith in AGAIN, ahh there they are in the pocket on the other side, phew

7 – If just one person a day tells you, “You have positively impacted my life,” they know roughly as much about English grammar as the average goat knows about particle physics.

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(Dedicated to an old friend, Steve Raitman, who accidentally inspired the post by inadvertently supplying the raw material for me to monkey around with.)

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