On the antisocial media I accidentally stumbled across a no doubt well-meaning piece of inspirational “positivist” horse-hockey, which – at least to my crackpot way of thinking – largely seemed to be some kind of secular positive mantra for the deluded and self-centred.
What it mainly inspired me to do was to reword it just a little here and there, and turn it into something a little different – a life affirmation to benefit others, or what I like to call:
SEVEN THINGS PEOPLE MIGHT LIKE TO REMIND THEMSELVES DAILY IF THEY WANTED TO HELP IMPROVE EVERYONE ELSE’S LIVES FOR A CHANGE
Every day, you should stand in front of the mirror – and maybe even face the mirror but that part is optional – and repeat the following out loud if you want to convince everyone else in the public restroom that you are a lunatic:
1 – I am not that amazing. You know who was amazing? Elvis was amazing. Am I Elvis? No.
2 – I can do anything. But, then again, this may well have been exactly what Greg Norman was thinking when he started up the chainsaw on the most recent occasion
3 – Positivity is what idiots have just before they make some chowder-headed decision that screws up everybody else’s lives
4 – I celebrate my individuality, but will attempt not to do so loudly for 20 minutes into a mobile phone on public transport
5 – I am prepared to succeed no matter how many times my clients insist they do not want “fries with that”.
6 – I could have sworn I had my keys when I left the house, I remember picking them up off the hall table, where the hell could they be, don’t tell me I have to get the locksmith in AGAIN, ahh there they are in the pocket on the other side, phew
7 – If just one person a day tells you, “You have positively impacted my life,” they know roughly as much about English grammar as the average goat knows about particle physics.
(Dedicated to an old friend, Steve Raitman, who accidentally inspired the post by inadvertently supplying the raw material for me to monkey around with.)