BULLETIN SCHMULLETIN #5

:: ELABORATE RECIPE

You may want to get a pen.

You make some coffee. Then you put maple syrup in it. Add milk to taste. Or don’t.

*NB This recipe will not work if you don’t like sugar in your coffee. Or, it will work, but you won’t like it, which amounts to the same thing.

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:: CHRONIC CONVERSATIONS

Overheard today, from some very gasbaggy ladies a few tables away out front of the same cafe who had a particularly punishing way with penetratingly loud real estate based patter:

GASBAG 1: It reminds me of the Beverly Hills in South Yarra (pron. “South Yahra”)

GASBAG 2: I love the Beverly Hills!

GASBAG 3: Ya!

Carefully monitored, conversations like this can shave off up to half of the human brain, making it easier to enjoy most sport news on television these days, and also to follow the logic in the next section.
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:: WHAT THE HERALD SUN WANTS YOU TO DO

Apparently, going by reading the newspaper concerned, we have to do what the Herald Sun wants.

It’s made quite clear in the documentation in question that the editorial staff behind this bracing alternative to journalism know what is good for us, and that Victorian people thinking for themselves could only lead to disaster.

But the tricky part is that reading it is irritating, and scrapes against the inside of your head if you like reading, or newspapers.

So, from time to time, I will summarise their main points, to spare you the water-torture nincompoop effect of having to read the Herald Sun, and so you will know what to do in your lives, to ensure you get it right.

1) The main thing at the moment is that, according to the Herald Sun, voting for smaller parties as a protest vote is a waste of time, as the preferences will just go to bigger parties – except presumably where they won’t – and thus we should only vote for the two officially recognised (by News Corp/Herald Sun) major parties, Coke and Pepsi, err, Liberal and the other one.

To make sure readers get the message, they run the odd letter to this effect as well, which sounds amazingly like the editorial comment on the same topic, but some people are just slow learners.

Also, the other point is that, when voting for one of the two officially recognised (by News Corp) major parties, it should always be the one that isn’t Labor.

If you’ve got the hang of all that, you’re on the way and should be ready for election day.

However, if you find it confusing, do not be ashamed to ask any Liberal voters you know – or in a pinch National Party voters – how you should vote. Sorted!

2) The other main thing at the moment in the Herald Sun is that we don’t need two public broadcasters – in the ABC and SBS – as this is a needless and expensive duplication of effort and both of them are dead set against the better major political party – Liberal – and so we should urgently slash their budget as they are dominating the Australian media.

Yes, dominating, to the extent that the poor old Ten network – a cultural treasure trove, presumably – is struggling to survive, especially probably because of SBS and all its foreign-talking radio stations. Or something.

Please do not become confused by the fact that both the network identies and the reality of the services ABC and SBS offer are diverse and that two proverbial masters could never be properly served by one organisation trying to do both jobs, let alone on a violently slashed budget.

That sort of talk is only entertained by people who are against (a) the most important and reliable political party, which could be anybody at all but happens to be the Liberals; (b) the stunning palette of diversity rained down upon the Australian people by the Seven, Nine and Ten networks; (c) Australia.

It is also best to totally ignore that out of everything shown on TV here, roughly 95% of the artistic and thematic diversity would come from ABC, SBS and pay TV. Diversity is overrated and not what the majority want. The Herald Sun stands 100% behind what the majority wants as long as it is (a) the Liberal Party; (b) football; (c) isn’t scientific, too foreign, or overly indigenous.

Ultimately, the only thing that can deliver us the premium broadcast content that everyone – i.e. the Herald Sun – wants is commercial enterprises gifted with the public airwaves and showing their appreciation to our (Liberal) governors with appropriate political support, err, coverage.

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:: STATE ELECTION LOOMETH – I SMELL THE DOOMETH

Two observations only and we’ll keep them short in the interests of staying awake in daytime.

1) I was given a policy statement sheet from an Australian Sex Party volunteer paper-passer-out.

Of 11 stated points, I agreed with 9 of them and might give some leeway on the other two with a bit of rephrasing, reassessment or at least a decent snack at the election day sausage sizzle.

My conclusion – if I wanted to make sure that, under no circumstances, I could EVER get elected to any public office, in this nation in particular, I would definitely go right ahead and call myself the Sex Party.

2) The sales pitch of one candidate in my electorate was, boiled down, that she saw a movie a couple of years back that frightened the hell out of her about “fracking”, she hadn’t known anything about it up until then, but now she was dead set against it. As a result, if elected, she would stick to the current moratorium against fracking which goes all the way into the future, until June of next year. (2015). Yep, that’s what she’s bringing to the table. No word about what happens after June 2015, but we’re frack-free up until then. And, from what I’ve seen, she’s the best candidate so far. Frack me gently.

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2 thoughts on “BULLETIN SCHMULLETIN #5

  1. I’m surprised the Sex Party are against fracking.I was sure they were all for it..morning,noon and night.Anyhow,good luck to Andrew Daniels in his attempt to become the Premier,even though I personally think that Joe Toscano would be the best man for the job.

    • Sir Ken, that’s the kind of authoritative 12 second read I expect from my thoroughly (and rightly) non-paying customers.
      I have no idea what the Sex Party policy on fracking is. The person referred to in part 2 of that last item isn’t a Sex Party candidate. They aren’t running any candidates in the lower house seat I’m registered in, and probably aren’t running candidates in just about any lower house electorates. I appreciate that you said this mostly to get your cheap semi-dirty joke in, and I applaud this policy. I also had to look up Joe Toscano and think you were in safer territory with the fracking jokes.

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