(Stated In Portentous Tone With Smug TV Presenter “I Know Everything” Face)
This time I was deliberately scrabbling through past work looking for something to plug up all the big empty on the site.
It’s pretty self-explanatory, I think.
It was another of my Devil’s Advocate newspaper columns for The Age, and was published on 24th November 2012.
IT’S the blight that tears relationships asunder, or at least makes some people in them a little shirty. It strikes at one in two Australian families. (Note: statistics in this column are entirely fabricated.)
In short, it’s the accusation that someone is “too much into sport”. It can strike men, women, kids, and possibly even Sandy Roberts.
But how can you tell if you ARE overly preoccupied with sport? We reveal the tell-tale signs.
THE TELL-TALE SIGNS
* Not only have you come close to blows over the “traditional v broomstick” putter debate, but you feel you may be, at any given time, close to blows on this vital issue.
* You have formulated a rational, ordered position on the AFL fixture which does not include the terms “unequal”, “blockbuster games” or “inevitable dog’s breakfast”.
* You are, at any point during this or any other year, concerned about Australia’s Federations Cup draw. (Note this is not the same as “Confederations Cup draw”, which would also make this list. However that competition is a weird one in soccer, so only holds “pretty much out there” status, as opposed to women’s team tennis which is, frankly, “fishing in a different galaxy” status.)
* You loudly dispute team pit-stop calls while watching grand prix races on television.
* You have successfully memorised WNBA team nicknames.
* On television, you recognise soccer teams from, say Scandinavian countries or Ukraine via club colours. You are not from Scandinavia or Ukraine.
* You can figure out that Duckworth-Lewis calculation in one-day cricket.
* Despite recent changes you can still figure out what the AFL is doing with the new “rational” tribunal penalties system that was meant to replace and improve on the old, nominally not-quite-so-rational tribunal system.
* You are thoroughly versed in the AFL draft-pick kiddies, yet are not now, or have ever been, named Kevin Sheehan.
* Despite being raised in Melbourne with Australian Rules football as your primary code, you can sit in front of the TV and dispute referees’ decisions with alacrity and a fair semblance of authority in the code of rugby league.
If you can also do so in the code of rugby union, you may find that you are already part of some national scientific study of peculiarities in human brain function.