MOVIE PRODUCTION UPDATE
[I have no recollection of writing this. I know it was written on 6th March 2008 which was a Thursday, so it was most likely for that day’s radio show, All Over The Shop on RRR. I have to admit that, heedless of the shrieks of anguish from the general public, this is still just the kind of thing I’d probably find funny.]
From our impeccable showbiz sources at E!Blimey entertainment, Axis-International Pictures, and a number of paparazzi squatting in garbage cans on old fish bones, we can exclusively reveal the following exclusive details of movie sequels they amazingly haven’t gotten around to making yet, but no doubt will any day now.
GHANDI II: THE GHANDIFIER
Ghandi returns, he’s out for revenge, and this time he’s African-American!
Wesley Snipes stars as the historic Indian societal leader brought back from the dead with a blazing bazooka to wage war on imperialists and those who overcharge for quality footwear in a deadly hail of rampaging revenge.
Also starring Rosario Dawson as his feisty machete-throwing sidekick Indira Ghandi-Girl, and Alan Rickman as the evil industrialist Sir Nobby Hitler.
AMADEUS II: THE CONCERTINATOR
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart returns and he’s out for revenge, blasting his way through the scenic concert halls of Europe in a tormented rage of dynamite, falling plaster, clattering clarinets and a blizzard-like confetti of shredded sheet music.
Starring Russell Crowe as the composer with a deadly array of booby-trapped pianos and glockenspiels fighting a high-octane war of devastation against his greatest enemy of them all, the evil vampire Count Dracula Von Salieri, played by Geoffrey Rush, in two foot platforms, with ten arms and the head of a giant blowfly.
You’ve never heard classical music like this – i.e. played in a hip-hop version featuring intercourse-related lyrics and the voice of Fergie – as Mozart and the evil Count are relentlessly pursued by Detective Bertha Superintendent (Kylie Minogue) and her secret Alpha-Falfa Force (The Pussycat Dolls).
Also featuring the Clarinet Concerto in A Major, Koechel #622, remixed and retitled “Booty Bump My Lady Lumps”.
JULIUS CAESAR II: THE EMPEROR STRIKES BACK
All-action thriller suggested by a note Shakespeare made on a laundry list.
Julius Caesar, badly wounded rather than killed in the original play, trains for months in the Himalayas under a mysterious benefactor named Kwai-Chang Mendelberger (David Carradine), learning the use of fearsome oriental weapons of destruction, but generally favouring a large wok to the head region. And this time he’s out for revenge! And hot dogs and a beverage! But mostly revenge!
Soon he el-kabongs his way back onto the Roman scene, taking on Brutus, Cassius, Sonny Liston, Floyd Patterson and The Penguin, before the climactic fight to the death in the most famous Roman Auditorium of them all, the Caesar’s Palace Hotel and Casino Complex, against his real enemy, the evil Medici Da Vinci Fiorucci Dal Juventus versus AC Milan, played by Billy-Bob Thornton, introduced by ring announcer Michael Buffer.
You’ve never seen a balls-out-for-adventure Roman Emperor like Julius Caesar, as played in his action-starring debut by Owen Wilson. Co-starring Paris Hilton as Cleopatra. Featuring music by Rossini, Harold Faltermeyer and the Spice Girls.
Remember, limbs will be hacked, when the Emperor Strikes Back.
(Consumer Warning – all of the movies mentioned are made on machinery which also processes eggs, tree nuts and dairy product, and may include traces of Ben Affleck.)