Early Drafts of the Classics

A Rare Insight into Literary History

Our exclusive researchers at Axis-International Entertainment have once again delved deeply beyond the familiar lore of entertainment and arts to arrive at the little-known and overwhelmingly unlikely.

These are the discarded preliminary versions of some of the world’s best-known stories.

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SPIDER-MAN

Timid student Peter Parker is bitten by a radioactive spider and discovers he has amazing powers. After due consideration, he decides to forgo heroism, and instead fornicate enthusiastically with spiders and have millions of spider-human babies. Amazingly, the vast majority of them turn out to have a strong resemblance to Tony Abbott, only with more arms and legs.

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WAR AND PEACE

Somewhat surprisingly, the original draft concerned two feuding Mexican restaurants and was entitled, “War and Peace and Nachos, margaritas $5”. It involved a price war over tacos, although burritos were agreed at a standard price and there were relatively few disputes over dessert. In the completed version of this early draft, Fu Manchu led the Vikings to victory over Napoleon Bonaparte and the Harlem Globetrotters after local restaurateurs dropped the margaritas down to $3 apiece and Tolstoy was blotto again.

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THE BIBLE

Although the battle rages for hundreds of books, chapters, verses and regrettable and gruelling movie adaptations ultimately God prevails over the forces of Satan and James Blunt, and there is a post-match function with wine and finger-food. Regrettably, at that moment, Frankenstein, King Kong and Tolstoy attack, as margaritas have come down to $2 the jug and complimentary nachos on Tuesday, and Tolstoy is by now completely sandblasted.

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LORD OF THE RINGS

Some small people are approached by a tall sketchy dude with a beard who insists they come along with him on what he calls a ‘wonderful adventure’ and tells them he can ‘make magical things happen’. As a result the small people endure terrible physical ordeals and are stretched beyond endurance, sometimes late into the night and without adequate hydration or even a drink card. Ultimately they return to their village sadder but wiser and with replacement clothing as their original outfits are no longer in a fit state. Later there is an inquest and scandal, incorporating full orchestra and syncopated fireworks.

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HAMLET UNLEASHED

By William Shakespeare.

With additional dialogue by Sky-Tree Rabinowitz

After an light orchestral introduction and some early murder and incest to get everybody in the mood, the Ghost of Hamlet’s father leads an unholy army of the undead into battle against Macbeth, because they came into the wrong play by accident.

After the heart-wrenching soliloquy, “I knew I should have taken that left turn at Alberquerque”, they are immediately set upon by Dr Octopus, Godzilla and the scary later version of Liza Minnelli, proving that they are very much in the wrong play.

In the finale, Liza Minnelli belts out a particularly epic version of “Evergreen”, having become so bizarre that she forgot that she never sang “Evergreen” and that Barbra Streisand had the hit with it. Barbra Streisand enters, destroys Liza Minnelli and takes everyone else out for chicken soup and kreplach. The End.

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