A Respected Source of News and Commentary Since Last Tuesday
* A menu from the Titanic’s final lunch has been sold at auction for $125,000. Potential buyers were warned that some food items listed may no longer be available.
* Cricket Australia has postponed its two-test tour of Bangladesh because everybody knew the results before it happened. “There just didn’t seem to be any real point,” noted CA chief executive James Sutherland, scratching his head and looking around for his car keys which should have been right where he left them, before adding “They basically never beat us.” Sutherland explained that the tour was officially announced as “postponed indefinitely” when everyone in the office drew one of those weird mental blanks at the same time and nobody could think of the word, “cancelled”.
* The Federal Government’s medicinal regulatory body is considering reclassifying pain relief pills containing codeine as prescription-only, now that the whole Ice thing is obviously well under control. It is believed that one guy over by the hot drinks dispenser in the office has become concerned about codeine affected patients rampaging very slowly and harmlessly through chemists’ and shopping malls before going home for a quiet lie-down. The next time the authority is bored, it is believed they will look into taking stern action against tablets that fizz when dropped into water.
* An archaeologist has suggested that Queen Nefertiti may lie concealed in Tutenkhamun’s tomb. However he advised against panic, as he didn’t think she’d be up to much at this point. He later confirmed that the idea came to him after extensive research, scientific analysis of pottery fragments, and falling asleep watching an old Frankie Howerd TV comedy series set in that period.
* According to all experts consulted about both the AFL and NRL grand finals, we are in for a titanic struggle with a close outcome and both teams are absolutely “raring to go”. It is expected that the players will absolutely “give their all” and star players for all four clubs have been cited as likely to do extremely well, and all be match-winners for every side in either grand final. Sources close to the two leagues confirmed, off the record, that large crowds are expected to attend both grand finals, with many more watching via television, an electronic viewing device which has strongly captured the public imagination in Australia over the last six decades.