LIFE HACKS FOR BUSY URBAN SOPHISTICATES #1

Or

 

HOW NOT TO BE A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT

 

 

Simple observation of those around us, both in our own streets, and in the greater urban environment, tells us that people are total and utter numbats who just don’t know how to behave anymore.

 

As a result of the deadly triangulation of television, utterly unearned self-regard, and a rigorous policy of never thinking about anything that isn’t football, clothing or taxes, they largely think they are all the stars of their own invisible reality TV shows, and that they reek of charm and entitlement when they’re only right up to the ‘reek’ part.

 

In effect, they might as well all have heads full of cream of mushroom soup because if there is any brain matter floating about the skull region, it sees about as much action as the salad tongs in a barbecue joint.

 

We see the appalling results of this near our homes, in the streets, at shopping centres, in the city, on the roads and on public transport. All of these areas are jam-packed with folks who plainly resent the time spent at work when they have to use their brains to do at least a minimal amount of thinking, and thus they obviously turn those brains off the minute they leave the employment facility *. The result is shitful behaviour, whether accidentally, on purpose, or on account of the perpetrators being hopeless dumb-arses.

 

The aim of this series is not to make idiots smarter, which is impossible*, but to help both them and people who just act like idiots not be such a deadly burden to the dwindling number of citizens who actually try not to be complete fuckwads to other people most of the time. I call the increasingly miniscule latter group, “the decentry”. Or as the technical term used to be, many decades ago now, “normal people”.

 

The technique used* will always be to employ language as simple as possible, to give specific examples, and to never assume specific levels of intelligence, or any intelligence, on behalf of the fuckwads.

 

* = proven by laboratory research

 

 

TODAY’S TOPIC:

SOCIALISING INVOLVING CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOL

 

When drinking you are 130% less charming and hilarious than you feel at the time and no less than 80% more likely to be pissing someone off.

 

When you think you might be getting a little drunk, you already were pretty blitzed at least 20 minutes earlier.

 

Your conversation is unlikely to be the most fascinating in the room – even if there is no other conversation in the room – so you and your company raising their voices to be the loudest in the room is unlikely to be as resoundingly appreciated as you may have thought. Had you thought.

 

Any attention-getting physical stunt or trick you are thinking it might be timely to wow the crowd with is the worst idea you’ve had since last time you got really hammered and mistook the stereo for the toilet.

 

Of the 100% of Australian males who think they can tell how alcohol is affecting them while drinking and that they can “handle it”, the actual number who can do this is a small percentage of alcoholics and roughly 100% of teetotallers. Of whatever percentage of Australian women who think they can tell how alcohol is affecting them while drinking and handle it, the percentages of those who actually can is identical with Australian males.

 

If you are an “angry drunk” the chances are that you are truly a horrible person, especially given the “truth serum”-like side effects of alcohol, in which the true personality of the knobhead is likely to emerge.

The percentage of angry drunks who know they are angry drunks and will thus refrain from alcohol is approximately equal to, or less than, 0.00%. These are among the few people on the planet to whom I would consider recommending drugs instead, given that a refreshing lemonade is likely to be out of the question. Not amphetamines or any derivative thereof, however.

 

If someone is irritating you when you are drinking and you are thinking it might be a good idea to verbally or physically confront them, it’s generally you just being snarky because of alcohol. So don’t be a little precious-pants and get all persnicketty –  just move away from the general area. Alternatively, it’s because you are drunk and they are, so there’ll be no getting sense out of anyone involved and just move away anyway.

 

You and your drunk friends are NOT the most important people in the bar, party or other chugalug environment as might be applicable. Neither is everyone else, admittedly. In fact no-one in particular is. So, ideally, nobody would carry on as if they were by yelling and whooping and being $2 superstars, and generally carrying on like this was the first time they’d ever had two beers in the same place all at the one time, woo-hoo.

 

Despite conventional wisdom that the two conversational subjects to avoid in a pub are politics and religion, there is no topic in a drunken conversation that can’t escalate to a major flashpoint. This includes the one subject which is the topic of approximately 99.7% of bar conversations involving Australian males, i.e. football.

But, given the necessary quantity of alcohol, (which is always at least two drinks less than that assumed by the drinker), and the necessary number of participants, (any two idiots is sufficient), any topic from the best brand of canned baked beans to how many matches come in a matchbox could spark a confrontation. But it’ll probably be football.

 

Sinking shots when you’re already drunk is probably at least as good an idea as monkeying around with a staple gun when you’re drunk. If you don’t think you’re already drunk and are considering shots, you are already drunk.

 

Everything stated here is comprehensively proven by laboratory research.**

(** May not include laboratory research)

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4 thoughts on “LIFE HACKS FOR BUSY URBAN SOPHISTICATES #1

  1. There will be no end to this topic.

    There are far too many of them, and far too much information for their little minds to cope with.

    Good luck.

    >

    • Tanya, I hold out little to no hope of improving public behaviour, demeanour or mental hygiene, but venting about that stuff sure seemed to make me feel better.

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