Today’s Horoscope

by Mystic Madam Leapster

 

 

 

 

ARIES

 

Money, possessions, valuables, and property – these are all good things to have. Stocks and bonds are also handy.

 

Fortuna is in Taurus, and nobody can work out how the hell she got in there, since we started hiding the keys to the Taurus. This points to a time of change in your life, so paint doorways yellow, unless they were yellow in which case you should paint them blue.

 

 

 

TAURUS

 

When it comes to image, brand, reputation or appearance, these are all words that can be used to describe breakfast cereal. Jupiter has merged into Sagittarius without indicating, leading to a vague feeling of fretting anxiety that you can probably take the edge off with a coconut macaroon.

 

Your “Me Sphere” is bloated and could use a little exercise, at least a walk around the block, or bowling. The problem you’re having with the sideboard can be remedied with a little wood cement.

 

 

 

GEMINI

 

Take the time out to sniff the air and you may well detect the aroma of great promise, or it could be the neighbours have once again over-fertilised their garden and you know it won’t die down now for at least a week.

 

2018 will bring many changes, so get out of my face till then, there are actually people with other star signs who have something going on in their lives.

 

In the meantime, it may be best to step back and take a Zen approach, just as long as you don’t step right in the Zen.

 

 

 

CANCER

 

It is through your friendships, and groups you belong to, that you will gradually detect people sidling away from you and ultimately avoiding you entirely. This could be your personality, or it could be the perfume you got for $2.50 a litre at the discount pharmacy which turned out to be manufactured by the same company that makes the garden fertiliser mentioned in the previous horoscope.

 

Teeth can be used for chewing. With Mercury high-fiving Alpha Centauri, everything is all swings and roundabouts, except down at the local park where concerns over child safety led them to replace the playground equipment with a giant soft rubber statue of an insurance assessor.

 

 

 

LEO

 

Hi Leo, how ya doin’? Pluto has jimmied its way in to the Tenth House of Isinbard the Cantankerous, but missed the library where the safe is, and crashed through a series of arc lights into the toilet in the en suite. As a result, tremendous radical sweeping change looms on your horizon, or it could just be a lot of sweeping up, it’s almost impossible to tell the two apart on star charts, especially without my glasses.

 

A step missed can result in plummeting downstairs, so dot your ‘t’s, cross your ‘q’s and keep a square of paper towel handy for just such an occasion.

 

 

VIRGO

 

As Lentil enters the House of Crippen, avoid new courses of action that you don’t like and would never do. Never eat borrowed cheese.

 

Great changes will course through your life from early next year. I know I did that exact horoscope earlier somewhere. I’m running bone dry now. I got nothing.

 

 

 

LIBRA

 

Venus is dominating the backline of Gemini, showing influence on such areas of your chart as taxation, money, property, Clayton South, South Morang, stopping all stations to Frankston, stand clear please, Stand Clear.

 

You should definitely get out of the way of big fat people who are in a hurry and have a head of steam up. When it’s all said and done, and the chips fall where they may, if you crunch all the numbers, you will have number dust.

 

 

 

SCORPIO

 

Lover, rival, potential partner, enemy, lover, sorry I already did ‘lover’, ally, opponent?

These all sound vaguely reminiscent of the song, Karma Chameleon. F**k, now I can’t get it out of my head.

 

Due to Mrs Lupinski being in Saturn and four gins deep into the bottle, you will find that stress in your life and triumph both come and go, they come and goooooo. Dammit.

 

 

 

SAGITTARIUS

 

 

A chance meeting of your head and the kitchen cupboard will lead to you rethinking many parts of your life you’d previously taken for granted, chief among them being why there have to be two ‘t’s in Sagittarius and why you’ve never tried to bamboozle an airline employee by insistently pre-ordering a Sagittarian meal.

 

Avast ye landlubbers on the for’ard jib. A teapot may lead to tea. A tall dark stranger looms in your future. Sorry, there was an eyelash on your star chart. That should have read,

“A tall dark strangler looms in your future.” This probably explains why I’ve been unable to get a reading on you after about 3.27pm on the 15th of next March.

 

 

 

CAPRICORN

 

The Mighty Bounding Antelope of Chiselwick East rains tendrils of fire and non-recyclable debris over Neptune, indicating you should probably avoid the freeway and take the long way home – if you get a run with the lights, it should be a little quicker.

 

You should roll with the punches, or have rolls with the lunches, and floss regularly, particularly between your teeth. A tree grows in Brooklyn.

 

Never eat two birds behind a stone when one will do it. A large grey cloud hovers over the area of children, property, allies, rivals, Juventus, salmon fisheries, origami, tool boxes, concrete paving and the Dewey Decimal System. So stay inside for a couple of years.

 

 

 

AQUARIUS

 

Some patches on the canvas of your life are starting to fill in, so life could be brimming with colour and opportunity, or that could be mould on the canvas now that I take another look at it, so you better air it or spray something on it, or throw it out. Try WD-40.

 

A sudden change could lead to you moving, or a sudden move could lead to you changing. Take life by the scruff of the neck and just see whether it turns right around and bites you on the labanza. The bell unrung, the road not taken, the pant unworn – these all are great timesavers.

 

 

 

PISCES

 

You have often heard it said, “Vote like there’s nobody watching, Dance like you are baking a cake, Live like you’re filling in time until the dry cleaner opens” – NOW is that time for you, particularly to go and get fitted for a hearing aid.

 

You look terrible in green. You’re no oil painting in orange either, but green is right out.

 

Among all the creatures to ever be born, the loveliest of all was a Herbert Grunion of 15 The Close, Drizzleton Lower, Vexation-upon-Vexation, Bladdershire, SW27, UK.

 

A giddy mobile kind of sensation leads me to believe that the drink is finally kicking in. Focus on May 2018, when you will find out many things about your life, particularly that April 2018 is already over.

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