From the Cheap Seats – 7th May 2017


Round Six was marked by a strong showing from some of AFL commentary’s more experienced hands.


“That there is the story of the game right there,” noted Wayne Carey emphatically on Triple-M after the Carlton-Swans match, apparently intent on verbally emulating one of the more rustic characters from the vintage TV sitcom, Greenacres.


The Wayner had already scored heavily on Channel Seven the previous night, following the GWS-Bulldogs game, when he noted sagely,

“There are still plenty of question marks to be asked.”


Indeed. And if he doesn’t get the answers he wants out of those, Inspector Carey can always round up the commas and full stops for further interrogation.


A probing analytical highlight after the Swans loss saw Brian Taylor asking what their leadership group would be discussing in the rooms afterwards.


Carey responded, “They’d be talking about what went wrong.”


Well, yes, you’d think. It seemed unlikely they’d be thrashing out the pros and cons of the first hundred days of the Trump presidency.


“They’ve bitch-slapped the Swans,” James Brayshaw thoughtfully summarised re Carlton, in a very Triple-M moment.


This left a number of further question marks to be asked, such as whether the term in question is absolutely vital to football analysis, and also whether it would be possible to imagine anyone involved in football broadcasting less “urban” or hip hop than James Brayshaw. Possibly Sandy Roberts, but it’s a line-ball call.


The Foxtel commentators at Brisbane v Port were all but overcome with the plethora of “little wins” and “real positives” abounding for the Lions, which was deep-probing stuff indeed given that they were 80-odd points down at the time.


No less helpful was the following exchange:


ANTHONY HUDSON: Crowd of just over 13,000 here tonight.


BRIAN LAKE: And that’s what’s impressed me tonight – Port’s speed.


Sure, whatever. And how about that Trump presidency?



Danny Frawley wrapped up line of the week at the same game, fiercely struggling to emerge from a profuse quicksand of impenetrable footy science jargon:


“You can, as a young coach, try and manufacture the scoreboard in the defensive mechanisms.”


In his defence, this sounds like the kind of thing that might have made more sense before it was hastily translated from Polish or Hungarian. It sounds like Danny was complaining about how the scoreboards are made these days. Maybe he was. Who knows?


Some of the language used to describe teams having a difficult season was more plain-spoken, at least in intention.


Alistair Clarkson, re Hawthorn: “If we continue to have performances like that, then there’ll need to be catastrophic change.”


Well, you knew what he meant, but they’ve already had that. Further catastrophes should be fairly low on their shopping list at the moment.


Their fellow fallen powerhouses the Swans were described by Paul Roos as experiencing “a bit of a dip.” Yes, after making last year’s grand final they’re zip from six. Paul probably describes the Grand Canyon as “a bit of a divot”.



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